Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet challenging roles in life. From birth to adulthood, children require more than just love to flourish. They need stability, structure, empathy, clear boundaries, and most importantly, a parent who is deeply engaged in their journey. This path is not without its challenges, and the parent-child relationship demands a significant amount of self-awareness and intentionality from parents.

As the old English proverb says, “Don’t just parent your children—parent yourself.” This timeless wisdom reminds us that children learn far more from observing their parents’ behavior than from any lessons they’re explicitly taught. How we approach life, handle emotions, and interact with others shapes not only our own lives but also the personalities and tendencies of our children. This is especially true when it comes to preventing the development of narcissistic traits.

Narcissism, often misunderstood, isn’t simply about self-obsession. It’s a personality tendency rooted in unmet emotional needs, often stemming from childhood experiences. Parents play a pivotal role in this development, sometimes unintentionally fostering these traits through their mindsets and approaches to raising their children. Let’s explore four common parental mindsets that can inadvertently encourage narcissistic tendencies and how to adopt healthier approaches to guide children toward emotional resilience and balanced self-esteem.

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1. “My child is special and deserves everything.”

It’s natural for parents to see their child as extraordinary and want the best for them. However, when this belief extends to expecting society to treat their child as special, it creates a sense of entitlement. Children raised with the notion that they are inherently deserving of privileges and recognition without effort often face significant challenges later in life. These include difficulty coping with disappointment, strained interpersonal relationships, and unmet expectations of constant admiration.

To counter this, parents should focus on teaching their children the value of hard work, humility, and mutual respect. While it’s essential for children to feel cherished within their family, they must also understand that their worth isn’t tied to external validation. Helping them develop a strong sense of self that isn’t reliant on others’ recognition prepares them for the realities of life and fosters healthier relationships.

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2. “My child should never suffer.”

Every parent’s instinct is to protect their child from pain and hardship. However, shielding children from all forms of struggle can have unintended consequences. It is not triumphs but the ability to face and overcome challenges that builds resilience and character. Parental over-identification with a child’s failures or difficulties often leads to excessive interference, depriving the child of the opportunity to learn essential coping skills.

For instance, when a child experiences failure—whether in academics, sports, or friendships—it’s important for parents to resist the urge to “fix” the situation immediately. Instead, they should provide emotional support, acknowledging the child’s feelings while encouraging them to problem-solve and grow from the experience. By creating an environment where children can safely navigate feelings like frustration, disappointment, or even guilt, parents help them develop the emotional intelligence needed for life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Only when parents themselves are free from the guilt of their child’s failures can they effectively guide them through difficult moments. This perspective shifts the focus from avoiding pain to building strength, equipping children with the tools they need to face adversity with confidence.

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3. “Children need complete freedom of expression and no discipline.”

The idea that children are inherently pure and will naturally grow into kind, well-rounded individuals without guidance can be misleading. While children do have innate qualities of curiosity and creativity, they also require structure, boundaries, and moral guidance to navigate the complexities of life.

Without intervention, children may struggle to move beyond natural phases of grandiosity and omnipotence, which are typical in early childhood but need to be tempered through socialization. Moreover, learning to process feelings of shame—a natural and often necessary emotion—requires parental support. When children are shielded from shame entirely, they miss opportunities to understand their actions’ impact on others and develop a sense of accountability.

Parents play a crucial role as role models. To help children navigate these developmental milestones, parents themselves must embody the values they wish to instill. By being figures of admiration and idealization, parents can help children learn the difference between right and wrong, fostering a sense of responsibility and respect for others.

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4. “Self-esteem comes from being told they’re special.”

Building a child’s self-esteem is a common goal for parents, but the approach matters greatly. Constantly telling children they are special, without tying this to their efforts or actions, can lead to inflated yet fragile self-esteem. Children may begin to associate their worth with external praise rather than their intrinsic qualities or achievements.

Instead, parents should encourage children to discover their own abilities through effort and perseverance. Celebrating achievements is important, but so is helping children understand the value of hard work and the lessons found in failure. By providing opportunities for children to tackle challenges, parents enable them to develop a realistic and robust self-image.

For example, instead of simply praising a child for scoring well on a test, parents can focus on the effort and dedication that led to the success. Similarly, when a child falls short, parents should guide them in reflecting on what went wrong and how they can improve, helping them build resilience and self-confidence grounded in reality.

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Building a Healthy Foundation for Life

Parenting is as much about shaping children’s emotional and moral development as it is about meeting their physical needs. By addressing these four common mindsets, parents can foster a healthy balance between love and discipline, support and challenge, protection and independence. This approach helps children grow into individuals who respect boundaries—both their own and others’—and who possess the inner strength to navigate life’s complexities.

It’s worth noting that these insights are inspired by the work of American psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss, who identified seven key parental mindsets that contribute to the development of narcissistic tendencies. While this article focuses on four of these mindsets, those interested in delving deeper into her findings are encouraged to explore her work further. By understanding and reflecting on our parenting approaches, we can raise children who are not only emotionally healthy but also capable of forming meaningful, balanced relationships throughout their lives.