Conflict in family and couple is inevitable, since our society forms a family based on the choice of the individual. The social transition from “I cannot live without you” to “I choose to live with you” has already been realized. It is for this reason that conflicts in the family are based either on the search for autonomy or on the need to belong, i.e. on the natural need for development of either “me” or “we”.

In a crisis of satisfying needs, the need to belong to another, i.e. the feeling of jointness – “we”, plus an important role. It is from this feeling of mutual need that the satisfaction and support of each other in vital processes becomes possible. Thus, the state of satisfaction is acquired.

When important relationship needs are met, and the belonging is already formed, the needs for self-realization and self-actualization, which manifest themselves through a desire for autonomy, a desire to be other and different, come to the fore. To be different is not to be against another (partner), it is to be different – separate together. The couple goes through a crisis of fullness, in which the concepts of needs and desires are often confused (the need for belonging and the desire to be autonomous), which can cause conflicts with the inability to combine two different processes: the simultaneous feeling of jointness and separateness.

Freedom is the ability to express oneself with the others, being in belonging. Integration is to distinguish between these processes and to unite, which will provide an opportunity to learn to be the other (different in some way and autonomous) in belonging, when each exists as “me” and “we” at the same time.

For this, it is important to understand what “we” and “me” mean: where we belong to each other, how we feel our jointness, what our common intentions and views on life are, and also in what each of us is autonomous (most often these are qualities, abilities and desires that are directed into the world for self-realization and self-actualization, towards professional and social activities).

Satisfying needs provides us with the sense of integrity as it is based on necessity. If in a relationship a person cannot take what he needs, it indicates to the presence of trauma. Real true desires can only appear when needs are satisfied, when we gain a sense of freedom bursting out of us and we want to expand, manifest ourselves into the world and gain more space. Realization of desires expands us. Their presence indicates to “me”, i.e. to a functioning personality, to the presence of thoughts and feelings, and knowledge about ourselves assimilated together with them: when we know ourselves, we know what we want.

And in the concept of “we” in a couple relationship, in which the need for belonging is important, special attention is directed not to feelings and thoughts as an inter-subject form of relationships, but to sensations and perceptions (primarily in the body) – inter-body space between partners.

What we feel is always based on who we are, and who we are is regulated by relationships.

Conflict is an important evolutionary component of relations, and above all, not because of its content, essence and form in which it is expressed, but by what exactly is behind it. Focusing of partners on the form in which it is expressed often becomes the main problem, because the figure is ignored – the need that stands behind the content. For participants of such a conflict, the form becomes a figure, while the real figure is ignored, which causes many complaints to each other. It must be remembered that behind this there is always a personal need for relationships, thanks to which we can single out three important components of a family conflict solution:

Respect

I respect your choice, your needs and desires.

Curiosity

I find it interesting and important what are the needs and desires behind your words.

Gratitude

I thank you for the responsibility to choose to talk about them.

Of course, as we understand, communication is an important skill in resolving conflict, but it is also important to remember that communication is not only content.

First of all, the fact that the partner speaks in a conflict situation in order to express his state is not sufficient. This only shows that he demonstrates his power and shifts responsibility to the other, thereby creating dependent relationships. The conflict resource is not in expressing feelings and oneself by demonstrating power and strength, but in expressing in the best form one’s potential while being in a relationship.

What is behind your words?

You say it because you want this or that?

Secondly, in order to resolve difficulties in a relationship, it is necessary to have an ability to live through a direct conflict so that the projections can meet with the reality of the partner and be deployed.

For example, use the word “you” instead of “I think you are …”.

Subjectivity is not what we think, it’s just what we think, so there are three positions in the conflict: mine, yours and the right one.

The goal of relationships is to feel the fullness of self-expression in them, when I can be who I am, realizing my potential. Energy hides in the perspective of change, as a partner is always an expansion, not an obstacle.