Emotional dependence in relationships often stems from viewing another person as the primary “cause” of our existence. This mindset creates a dynamic where one partner feels cared for but, at the same time, tethered to the other’s sense of power. The result? A cycle of dependence that binds both individuals in a fragile equilibrium of control and submission. But what happens when the balance shifts, when the “cause” pulls away? Fear, accusations, and a sense of victimhood often rush in to fill the void.

This phenomenon reflects a deeper truth: when we place the responsibility for our identity, happiness, or success on someone else, we risk falling into a victim mentality. It’s tempting to lay blame for our struggles at the feet of others—parents, partners, or even circumstances—much like the king in An Ordinary Miracle, who declared, “I am not to blame! Ancestors are!” Such avoidance of responsibility, however, keeps us trapped in unhealthy patterns.

But how do we untangle this web? The answer lies in embracing a healthier sense of belonging and interdependence, where mutual support fosters growth and fulfillment, rather than control. The key is moving beyond pathological dependence to a relationship that empowers both individuals.

The Drama Triangle: Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer

Dependent relationships often mimic the “Karpman drama triangle,” where individuals rotate through roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. One moment, you might feel victimized, blaming your partner for your suffering. The next, you might adopt the role of Persecutor, accusing them of being the source of your pain. Or perhaps you slip into the role of Rescuer, attempting to fix the very dynamics you resent.

This triangle keeps relationships stuck in a cycle of blame, guilt, and unfulfilled needs. Breaking free requires stepping outside this framework and taking ownership of your emotional state and actions.

Aristotle’s Four Causes: A Path to Self-Understanding

Ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle provides a profound framework for understanding our emotional landscapes. His four causes—formal, material, moving, and final—offer a lens through which we can explore our relationships and the forces shaping them:

1. Formal Cause: Recognize your essence as an individual. Your will to live and your needs form the foundation of your existence, independent of others.
2. Material Cause: Examine your personal qualities and characteristics. These static traits shape how you interact with the world and with others.
3. Moving Cause: Identify how relationships catalyze growth. What movements, opportunities, or experiences does another person inspire within you? How can you harness these for personal transformation?
4. Final Cause: Clarify your purpose. What meaning do you derive from your relationships, and how do these connections help you achieve your life goals?

By understanding these causes, we shift the focus from external blame to internal clarity, allowing us to navigate relationships with greater agency and authenticity.

Healthy Belonging vs. Pathological Dependence

Healthy relationships thrive on mutual recognition and support. In this dynamic, partners empower each other to live more fulfilling lives. However, pathological dependence, where one person becomes the “cause” of another’s existence, stifles growth and fosters resentment.

To escape this trap, we must take responsibility for our own experiences and emotions. This involves recognizing the other person as an independent individual with their own needs and desires, rather than a source of our happiness or validation.

Steps Toward Emotional Independence

1. Acknowledge Individuality: Understand that your partner is a separate person with their own will and needs.
2. Define Qualities: Reflect on the traits you see in your partner. What do they represent to you?
3. Identify Movement: Explore how your partner’s presence influences your growth. What opportunities or changes arise from this relationship? What can you do to foster these changes yourself?
4. Seek Purpose: Consider the ultimate meaning of these opportunities. How do they contribute to your sense of fulfillment?

Through this process, relationships can become spaces of growth rather than dependence. By bringing the “cause” inside yourself, you reclaim your power, foster self-awareness, and step into a life of intentionality and purpose.

The Role of Therapy: A Journey Back to Self

Therapy, inspired by ancient philosophical traditions, can help navigate this journey. Like Socrates’ probing questions, therapy encourages self-discovery, guiding individuals toward clarity and resolution. It’s a space to explore how relationships mirror our internal dynamics, and how we can use these insights to transform ourselves.

In this light, the “other” in our relationships becomes both a cause and an effect, a mirror reflecting our inner world. By embracing this duality and taking responsibility for our role, we can break free from oppressive dependence and step into a more empowered, fulfilling existence.